When I left my day job to become a full-time writer, I cried.
These were not tears of joy. I felt heart-sick, because I loved my job. At least, I thought that was why I cried.
Since leaving, since committing to writing full-time, I’ve realized the real reason for my heart-sickness. So much of my identity and self-worth had been wrapped up in my profession, that when I left I felt lost. I mourned knowing who I was. I missed the certainty of knowing what I did for a living mattered, made a difference, made the world a better place.
My good friends would say to me, “How exciting! Now you can write full time.”
And my heart would sink, because my choice felt selfish and wrong: to be a writer of romance instead of a biomedical researcher; so I could stay at home with my kids; so we could move to a different part of the country, a place we’ve always longed to live and be.
I loved my job. I loved making a tangible difference in peoples’ lives. I loved mentoring and teaching. I loved research and data. I loved it. But I think I loved the *idea* of it more than the job itself. I loved that I knew, with no reservation and without a shadow of a doubt, that what I did mattered. What I did helped people, helped improve their health; helped children live longer, more active lives; gave families hope. Plus, society told me so.
Without that certainty bolstering my self-worth, I cried because I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t a researcher. I wasn’t entirely certain that my new profession truly made the world a better place, that it mattered. . .
We (my husband and I) went to a party where I knew no one. At the party, a woman– a professor– asked me, “What do you do for a living?” How many times had I asked someone the same question? I was caught. My husband, seeing my indecision, answered for me.
“She’s an author,” he said. “She writes books.”
“Really? What kind of books?”
“Romance novels,” I said.
“Oh. . .” she said. “That’s nice.”
She didn’t ask me another question for the rest of the night.
If this had been six months prior, I would have answered, “I’m a biomedical researcher.” And the night would have gone very differently, because I guess biomedical researchers are worth talking to and romance novelists are just . . . nice?
The truth is, I cried when I left my job because what that woman thought mattered to me. I didn’t want to be dismissed. And once I recognized the truth of my heartsickness, I became disgusted with myself.
Because, you know what? Basing your self-worth on your profession is not okay. It’s a shortcut. It’s a crutch. It’s LAZY. You might be a physician who saves lives (or an author who changes lives through your words; or an artist who makes incredibly moving paintings; or a filmmaker who opens peoples’ eyes to the world around them), but if you’re an asshole and treat the people around you like garbage, then you’re not worth much.
Being a romance author is awesome! But it isn’t who I am.
My self-worth is based on how I treat others, what’s inside my heart, not what I do for a living.
So, I’m glad I left.
I’m glad I made the change.
I’m glad I’m a romance novelist and write about happy endings. I’m glad I write funny books that make people laugh.
I’m glad people see me out with my kids during the day, in jeans and a T-shirt, and make assumptions about who I am. It has taught me not to do the same to others. It has taught me to open my heart and my mind to new people and new friendships.
I’m glad I challenged my own preconceived notions about education, worth, and profession. It’s good to grow, to better recognize my own faults (pride, vanity, envy). It’s important be reminded that I am just a little piece of sand in the vast desert.
<3 Penny
Penny Reid is the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and USA TODAY Bestselling Author of the Winston Brothers, Knitting in the City, Rugby, and Hypothesis series. She used to spend her days writing federal grant proposals as a biomedical researcher, but now she just writes books. She’s also a full time mom to three diminutive adults, wife, daughter, knitter, crocheter, sewer, general crafter, and thought ninja.
Penny,
Your note reminds me a little of myself. I ‘used to be’ a network television news producer. I can’t tell you the number of people who have ‘dropped me’ because I don’t have a job that’s important anymore. I’ve also been a romance reader FOREVER…since high school….and I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. I used to feel bad when I would see the barely hidden snotty thoughts come across people’s faces at parties when they asked what I’ve been reading lately. (yes, I know people like that and used to go to those kinds of parties) I learned to tell them an acceptable title or two (I do read everything…) but still said I read romance with the vain hope that maybe it would change their perception of who read ‘those’ books. Screw those small minded people. I’m so happy that you write.
Your Fan,
Lisa
Dear Penny,
I hope you know how few people have the courage to do what you’ve done with your career change. I deeply admire your faith in yourself and your talent to be willing to make the leap.
I totally understand what you mean about the woman at the party — I’ve been an electrical engineer, an interpreter, and a stay-at-home mom over the last 5 years. It’s amazing to me how differently people react to those three things when I’m asked “what I do”. There’s something about the automatic admiration that comes with proclaiming a profession in hard science that’s kind addictive… so most of the time I’ll claim engineering as the easy way out. But the honest truth is that if I ever find the courage to follow my passion, I’ll be writing music or stories, not technical documentation. Because no matter the satisfaction I derive from my day to day work in engineering, it’s not where my deepest talents lie, and I know it. So never let the perception of people who don’t understand your dream bother undermine even the tiniest part of your self worth. You are amazing brave, as well as exceptionally talented.
Thank you for being one of my favorite authors, ever. For being one of those rare authors who write books about characters I can actively identify and connect with. I look forward to every book you publish.
Being a romance author is not “nice”. It is amazing and it does contribute and help people. The woman who is sitting in a chair going through chemo desperate for anything to take her mind off what she’s going through… is helped by an author. The teenage girl who is bullied and dreams of the day she can grow up and get out of high school and maybe find someone who loves her for her oddness…. is helped by an author. The battered spouse that has given up almost all hope that she can get free and make something of her life …. is helped by an author. Hell the stay at home mom who is two seconds away from yanking her hair out one strand at a time to get five minutes of peace… is helped by an author! The next time you start doubting yourself remind yourself of the over 20,000 fans who have either laughed, cried or managed to escape for a little while into your books!
I’m so glad for you Penny. Be whatever you want to be!
What you do now matters too. The impact romance novels have is just not tangible or measurable like biomedical research. Yes, their main function is entertainment. But they also teach about people, places, and things one may not nor ever will be exposed to; they offer an escape from the stresses of everyday life; and they provide comfort and healing in some of the worst times. They touch the mind, heart, and spirit, and that’s invaluable.
So never feel you’re less than what you were before.
Your books do make a difference! As I was sitting with my mom as she was nearing the end of life your books relieved my stress and took me to a happy place while I was with her. Never under estimate the power of your books!
Love you and your words, and let’s face it, the world needs more happy endings!
Never doubt you make a difference. I’m sure there are thousands of people, but I can definitely speak for one person – me. You make us laugh, cry, think – about our actions, actions of others and even places in the world and the hardships they experience, and even dream. Your words move us not only for the few hours where we fall into the world you created for us, but hours, days, months and years later. Every time we hear a certain phrase that takes us back to a moment in a book. Every time we think about a place or type of person and experience again all those emotions you words brought forth. You are the reason.
As a reader of your books, I just wanted to say thank you for choosing us.
Ya gots guts, kid. Moving following dreams. Challenging comfort zones. Thank God you are challenging your readers as well. Changing perceptions. Educating us on trends. Breaking down stereotypes. That matters.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for 11 years. I know what it feels like to be dismissed at parties. Why is my ‘job’ any less important than anyone else’s? Just because I don’t get paid or published or promoted doesn’t mean that what I do doesn’t matter.
Thank you for your honesty and for this post. I wish you so much luck with your new full-time career choice!
Love this. Just simply loved it 🙂
I still remember finishing your first book and asking you to give up your full time job to write more. I wanted you to give me more happy buzz’s and concentrate on my pleasure. I remember feeling guilty after though because I found out you had such an important job. Both jobs are important and being a mum is as important if not more. Biggest thing to remember – if you’re not happy, those around you won’t be happy either. If your happy place is making me happy (by writing romance with HEA’s) then go for it. 🙂
Thank you penny, I had a similar problem when i was ‘retired’. my position was no longer needed because offset printing was being phased out all over the country and at 60 years old, no one wanted to invest thousands of dollars(or more) to retrain me on new high-speed electronic printing equipment plus i had no desire to work for minimum wage less than 30 hours a week at a copy shop. I had 25 years in and was able to collect unemployment for the first time since 1974. but it still was hard to adjust for the same reasons you mentioned. now i write and hoped to be published someday, but also enjoy what i write–romantic adventure–
hope you enjoy your new latitude/longitude.
Society seems to put so many constraint upon what is ‘acceptable’ and ‘useful’ in this world, particularly upon what we do for a living. Someone is no less important to society simply because their job might be packing pallets or working as a seamstress. Nor are you, or anybody else, less worthy in society with the choice that you and your husband have made for yourselves and your family. I for one know at the end of a busy day when I need escapism, I turn to a book. I don’t want to think about what happened that day, or the demands that are already upon me for tomorrow. For a while I simply want to just be. And that is where reading, and your books, take me.
I am so glad you got to the point of knowing you’re awesome, no matter what your job is. Your job doesn’t make you awesome – you make you awesome! I am a well educated stay-at-home-mom and it took me four years to get to that realization.
Also, as a greedy auto-buy reader – YAY for being a full-time writer!!!
I felt the same way when I left my job as Director of Social Service. I became a stay at home Mom with no job for two years because this is what mattered to me, not the title, nor the pay. I loved the diapers, the play groups and quickly learned to ignore those who said to me “oh”, and walked away. I tried hard not to take it personally and finally realized just like I suck at initiating conversations with those I don’t know, maybe they were to. What hurt the most was my own family asking me many times “When are you going to go back to your real job?”, after teaching pre-k for several years! It made me question my decisions and who I wanted to be, but only for a time. I finally worked up the nerve to say to them and to myself, that beside loving teaching children, that being in a school where I can see my daughter get off the bus every day and tell me about her day, having her get free school, letting me know her friends and be totally immersed in her life, was what was most important to me. Not the money I wasn’t making. I’m so sorry someone made you feel that way because you should be so proud of you and what you do! Your books are fantastic and so are you!
Don’t take it personally, writers scare people who don’t read and/or people without a soul.
I’m pretty sure that if she were someone who reads, she would hump on your back and never let go, Jack.
But, you could always say “I used to be a biomedical researcher, but now I work for the force” and own your awkwardness like a boss.
I felt like I had lost myself too, when I got laid off after 21 yrs. The people I worked with were like family and my job, well, lets just say it was a growth experience most every day! It took a few years to get back on my feet and to realize that life is a balancing act in each and every area.. work, family, friends, health, wealth. I hope you find your balance and soon. As for the woman who judged you because what you do ( so amazingly well) wasn’t up to her standards? She is obviously is out of balance in the self esteem area. I’m sure she isn’t the last one of those you will meet. But the next time that happens, I hope that you can form a picture of a 50ish, white, bald woman with breast cancer wrapped in blankets sitting in a Lazy Boy looking recliner with a tube stuck into her chest that has a truly gruesome, yet life saving concoction flowing through it, laughing her ass off while reading one of your books! (That sent the nurses running over more than once because apparently not many people getting chemo laugh a lot while doing so!) You made an amazing difference in my life at a time when I needed it most. Maybe you would have done so in your previous profession, that’s something that neither of us will ever know. But I do know that each and every time you come out with a new book I get excited. And being alive and excited are such wonderful things! I hope that you find things in your new life that make you excited and happy too! Thank you for taking a chance and making people’s worlds better in a different way!
I love ALL your books, so I am very glad that you left to write full-time! What you said is so true, because sadly our society trains us to value people because of what they do rather than who they are as human beings. Enjoy your ‘freedom’ to do as you please, and please keep on writing!
Penny, I am very glad to have found your books. Not only do I laugh out loud frequently, but my own sexy fun times with my man have benefitted! We’ve been together 17 years and had fallen into a Rut . Soooo, thanks for the inspiration!!!
Just tell everyone what I tell them when they ask. I am a stay at home ninja. It shuts them up every time. Much love and respect to you for the joy you have brought me.
I’m so very glad you’re a romance novelist too! Seriously, Penny, what would I ever do without your totally amazing books to get me through all that’s bad in the world?
I mean, when I’m sad or down I just open up one of your stories and reading even one chapter just leaves me feeling so much better!
You’re an amazing person and you’re such a smart, gifted, talented and knowledgeable author! Thank you!
I’m sure your kids are pretty happy to have Mommy at home all day! I know I love having my mom around, so they must feel the same. So yeah, it’s all good!
This really resonated with me. I am a former computer engineer and service designer with master’s degree in computer science. I left my day job two years ago to work full-time in teaching art. It was a great decision and I am pretty sure yours will be too. But there are so many sides in every person, and I always try to remember that when meeting people.
When building online art classes, I don’t regret my former education. You have used yours successfully in your novels too. As a matter of fact, I might not have picked your novels unless you hadn’t brought in some science as well. Many of my clients struggle with freeing up their expression. As a former computer engineer, coming from Finland, I certainly have experienced the same struggles, but also found ways to bypass them. If we let other people’s opinions affect too much, we can end up in a situation where we have much less to give back. Thank you for many fun moments spent with your novels!
Hi Penny. I have just read your first Knitting Group book and was so impressed that I have purchased the entire series. I am travelling abroad in two weeks and I am hoping that I will still have something left to read whilst away. Without knowing anything about you at all, my first impression was “What an intelligent author, who is informative (nerdy) and gives us quirky characters that are really likeable”. You are not “just” a Romance Author, no author is. What did I like about your FIRST book? Everything. *****
I appreciate you, and your courage and conviction, your delicious characterizations, witty repartee and frankly, more specific and lovely vocabulary — in short I not only FEEL good when reading your novels, but FEEL I am using my brain a big too:) You make me smile, chortle, think and imagine. Mahalo plenty from Hawaii…
Hi Penny. I have to tell you, I think your a brilliant author. Not only are your books entertaining, I find them a great source of knowledge! I’ve discovered new words and now know the most random facts! I also started researching ways I could be a CIA Agent or, at least learn how to be a ninja 🙂 Meeting you and giving you a hug are on my bucket list!
I think You’re still doing stuff that saves lives! It might not be somatic medical diseases but you still do something that improves mental health and changes our day for the better, gives us smiles, laughs tears of joy that no psychotropics ever can give us! And there are no adverse effect or maybe there is if you take all the time we are in another world into account The bonus for you is that you get to interact with your readers. I work as a community pharmacist and can’t imagine ever going back to the desk job like my student job in regulatory affairs. Yes you might do some greater somatic health good in the biomedical research field but if you like to see what difference you make whether it be some big or small thing then you need to be in the community where one can interact! Personally there’s nothing that can make my day like a customer saying a heartfelt thank you because what I did for them really made a difference whether it’s about their medicine compliance, understanding of something medicine-illness related knowledge or something as non-medicine as recommending and giving samples of a face cream that finally doesn’t hurt itch or anything else to the customers sensitive skin.
Small things matter too!
Ps. I loooooooove your books
I was always into classics like Pride and Prejudice and thought…before reading any of ourse…..that romance novels were garbage. Yours was my first and will always be my favorite. I read Love Hacked and fell madly in love with your writing then went on to ready many others. I have always been a very good story teller so I now and making the leap into writing romance. My perceptions about that genre have changed immensely and for that I thank you. The ladies of the knitting in the city series changed my life. I am still aspiring and self publishing soon under a pen name. I love all your books but my absolute favorite will always be Sandra Fields and her Alex. It is a book and audiobook I go back to when things in my life aren’t so great and I need to re-charge.
What you wrote here was a reminder to me, in every way. I used to work in healthcare as a Program Manager and I helped patients have better experiences and helped improve outcomes for our patients. I loved it very much and all of the nurses and physicians that I worked with….and yet the other side of my interests always tugged at me and the intense stress of being further sucked into administration and that culture ultimately let me know I needed to find a different path.
I find I still stumble a bit when people ask what I do and I can still feel that pull to “quantify” my worth and what I do in this world. And the truth is that I am NOT what I do for work. You put it as well as anyone could.
So with this profound reminder I will hold this close to my heart. Thank you.
Penny, I can hardly agree more with what you wrote. I completed my graduate degree and directly went into my postdoc (also biomedical research!) for a professor who was in my supervisory committee (awesome person). He was concerned that I didn’t have anything lined up after graduating and needed help with a project. It was in an area I was interested in but not something I would love; but still, I took him up because I knew him as a great teacher and a really nice person. Eventually I lost interest and it really became difficult to continue and so with support from my family, I decided to leave. I think I was burned out and needed a break.
It’s been about two years since I left and currently I’m taking an online program in Applied Bioinformatics which I can hopefully use to help find a job. I must say I tied a lot of self-worth with work and it led to a lot of guilt and anxiety when I left. I’m fortunate to have a very supportive husband who has a stable job and so it has given me the freedom to spend time and finally do some travelling. I still want to go back into research as it is a lot of fun and one knows you’re doing society good. However, I am an absolute believer that it doesn’t matter who you are, if you’re a crappy human being, you’re not worth respecting.
Reading romance has been my getaway through all the stressful years of schooling and I will say, some of the best lessons have come from them. It’s a loss to people who would ‘look down’ on romance writers. I’m happy for you for taking the brave step of going after your passion. I’ll keep to heart what you and others wrote here.