Heart-Healing Escapism

This post isn’t about me, it’s about sharing what helped me get through a really hard time* from 2022 – 2024 in hopes that something in my list / “dopa-menu” below might help you navigate your own really hard time*.

The first step for me was to identify which fights were worth my energy and which fights were not. Surrendering to a grim reality instead of fighting against it isn’t the end of the world. Prior to 2022, I’d never been a “sometimes fighting is pointless” person, or a “accepting this reality and making the best of it” person. But now, I have embraced these mantras.

Facts: Sometimes we must fight because we can make a difference in the world with big or small actions. But sometimes fighting is 100% pointless because that particular situation is 100% outside of our control, and we must surrender.

The second step is let yourself grieve. With surrender comes grieving the possibility of what might have been had things been different, letting go of our expectations of a different future had fighting been worthwhile. I cannot stress enough how important the grieving step is.  It is probably the most important, because if you don’t do it you will be stuck here forever.

While you grieve, you need to give yourself privacy. Privacy is space, time, and respect. Respect yourself, your emotions, your thoughts. Don’t dismiss them or minimize them. But don’t marinate in them, put them on a pedestal to be worshipped, make them your whole personality, or fetishize them either. Don’t lose yourself to your grief. It’s a careful balance, like walking on a tightrope, so you need to give yourself time. During this time, it’s important to let yourself escape from those feelings of grief (this is where space comes in) so they don’t give way to despair. Escapism during this time also allows you to keep in touch with those parts of your personality and core values that are separate from your grief, a touchstone to the possibility of happier days and who you want to be when you’re finished grieving.

And that’s where heart-healing escapism comes in.

My list:

1. K Pop / BTS / Stray Kids: My introduction to K Pop was a game changer for me. This music is lovely, fun, and non-judgmental in a way you don’t find (AT ALL) with Western pop music. Everything in Western Pop music is dissected and criticized for deeper meaning, validity according to society, and whether or not it “moves music forward.” Not so with K Pop. It’s allowed to just be music. It’s wholesome and uplifting and never takes itself too seriously. K Pop helped give me hope for humanity, and helped me believe that joy and fun were still possible even in the face of great tragedy.
2. K Dramas, C Dramas: Again, so much lovely, fun, and non-judgmental entertainment. Wholesome and sweet stories (not all, but a large number) where you can count on a happily-ever-after when yours is in doubt. EDITED TO ADD SUGGESTIONS:
   1. Business Proposal Kdrama
   2. Healer, Kdrama
   3. Lovely Runner, Kdrama
   4. Goblin, Kdrama
   5. Strong Girl Bong-soon, Kdrama
   6. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, Kdrama
   7. Crash Landing On You, Kdrama
   8. It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, Kdrama
   9. Alchemy of Souls, Kdrama
   10. Extraordinary Attorney Woo, Kdrama
   11. Go Ahead, Cdrama
   12. Love is Sweet, Cdrama
   13. Love Between Fairy and Devil, Cdrama
   14. One and Only, Cdrama (Sad, but SO GOOD)
   15. The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Cdrama
   16. Hidden Love, Cdrama
   17. When I Fly Toward You, Cdrama
3. Journaling with stencils and cool stickers: For real, this has been so much fun. I look back on the journal pages I made during the darkest days and the bright colors, doodles, funny quotes are a real source of joy (then and now). We bought an instant camera and took photos of happy hours, minutes, and seconds, placing them in the journal and describing the moment. Even when our future was uncertain, even when we had days, weeks, and months of ER visits and a scary prognosis or news of inescapable tragedy, even on those days there were glimmers of joy.
4. Reading FanFic: What is your favorite fandom? Who is your unpopular ship? I guarantee, there is fanfic out there for you. My source has been Archive of Our Own but there are others. Losing yourself in a familiar world but with new stories is magical. It feels like coming home and finding only happy surprises waiting for you.
5. Video games: I have a rule for myself that I’m not allowed to play videogames by myself. This is because I would do nothing but play videogames if I didn’t have this rule. Games I play with my kids: Don’t Starve Together, Terraria, and Stardew Valley. We all work together to help each other. Even if we’re failing in life, we can still succeed in a virtual environment.
6. Board games: Similar to the above, even if we’re failing in life, we can still succeed in a virtual environment. Some games we enjoy: The Voyages of Marco Polo, Coup (card game), Pandemic, Pandemic Fall of Rome, Ticket to Ride, Dune, Settlers of Catan (and all its variations), Clue, Monopoly, and Carcassonne.

The good news is that eventually, if you don’t lose touch with your interests during the grieving process / allow yourself to be drowned by it, if you give yourself privacy and permission to indulge in heart-healing escapism, eventually you’ll be ready to start the fight again, to put yourself in a position of vulnerability because achieving great things only happens after we let ourselves be vulnerable to failure.

What are some of your heart-healing escapism / dopa-menu items? I’d love for you to share them with me. <3

*really hard time: this is a purposeful understatement used in order to move the conversation forward. I’m not minimizing what happened to our family, but I’m not handing those events and realities all the power over my future, my personality, and my relationships either.